6. DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PUNISHMENT AND DISCIPLINE

Too often parents punish children as a reaction to the anger they feel inside and when they are out of control themselves. This type of punishment causes the child to feel frightened and angry and the parent to feel guilty and frustrated.

It is important to distinguish between punishment and discipline. Punishment means to inflict a penalty for wrongdoing. Discipline, from the route word disciple, means to teach or train. It is critical that we use discipline to teach children how to be good, rather than inflict punishment when they are not. As I mentioned above, reinforcing good behaviour is a much more effective way to change behaviour then giving consequences to bad behaviours. Yet, there are still times when consequences are needed. Here are 8 components of effective discipline:

1. A good relationship with a child is a pre-requisite for effective discipline. When the parents have a good relationship with the child almost any form of discipline is effective. When the relationship is poor, almost no form of discipline works.

2. Never discipline children in a way that damages your relationship with them.

3. You must be in control of yourself. If you feel like you are going to explode take a time out. Take several deep breaths, count to 50, hit a pillow, take a walk, call a friend- do anything to avoid exploding at the child. It is impossible to discipline effectively when you are out of control, and it does more harm then good.

4. Don't yell, nag or belittle! What happens inside you when someone yells, nags or belittles you? If you are like me, you immediately turn them off. These are ineffective techniques and they harm the relationship more then the help the situation. Also remember, when you feel like yelling talk softly. The difference in your behaviour will get their attention. Parents would be more effective if they gave their children a lot of positive attention for the time the children were near them, rather then giving them a lot of negative attention when they go away. By using the process to change the behaviours you don't like in a positive light, you are more likely to be helpful to your child.

5. Develop a plan for discipline before you are actually in the situation. This also prevents you from overreacting. Discipline should be as immediate as possible and should be a reminder to the child on how to change his or her behaviour. It should not be an assault. I often recommend a short time out method for younger children and a slightly longer one for older children. Parents can also have their children write lines or essays on how they will change their behaviour.

6. Whenever possible use natural and logical consequences. Ask yourself, what is the natural and logical consequence to the misbehaviour. If the child refuses to do his or her homework, then he or she goes to school without it. If the child is acting up at dinner, then he or she doesn't get to finish dinner if everyone else is done. If the child refuses to put away his or her toys, then it is logical that the toys will be taken away for several days. Using these natural or logical consequences help children learn cause and effect and teaches them that they are responsible for their behaviour.

7. Attitude is everything. I am often asked about my opinion on spanking. My opinion is that whether or not you spank a child has nothing to do with effective discipline. How you discipline, not the method, is what is important. When you mildly spank a child on the buttocks, when you are in control of yourself, for a specific reason, and afterwards give the child a hug, then spanking can be very effective. However, most parents don't use it that way. They spank a child when they are angry and on the verge of being out of control themselves. Use discipline for teaching. You and your child will both feel better.

8. Never withhold love, affection or time from a child who has misbehaved. When children are in trouble they need you the most. Let them know that it is their behaviour you are disciplining, but you still love them very much.